It’s another rainy day in NYC. Today we emerge from our ratty subway holes beneath the windy canvass domes of umbrellas. Crap, rain drops on the iPhone. That can’t be good. Maybe I shouldn’t be blogging while walking in the rain. But that’s a slippery slope. Once I start listening the those sort of inward murmurings, will likely be the day I cease sketching out novellas on napkins in-between break dance moves at the neighborhood tavern.
Anyways, the oceans of the world are pouring down pounding petrichor aromas out of the ground. In case you are looking for something to do today, here’s my list of ideas. Mind you, there are a lot of lists on the Interwebs with activities of things to do on rainy days. Many include things like watching a movie, going to a museum, reading a book, spending the day in bed, baking, knitting etc. This is not one of those lists. If your fundamentally against rioting, then you’ll likely be against most of the items on this list. It also means we can’t be friends…
1. Kidnap something (anything) and hold it hostage
Does your girlfriend have a favorite stuffed animal? Does your friend have a ceramic statue? If so, kidnap the thing. Grab it. Shove it under your shirt and smuggle it into your room. Take a photo of yourself in a Ski-mask with the abducted object and hold it hostage. Write a ransom note. (Click here for help on writing a randsom note). Print out the ransom note and leave it where the owner of the object will find it. Lay out your terms. Demand no police involvement. Mastermind a way for your friend to meet terms that lead to the repatriation of the stolen object.
If the victim is a romantic interest, the threat could be something like: “Meet me for dinner at TGI Friday’s at 7pm or you will never see Piglet again.”
One rainy day I kidnapped my friend Sheena’s “Feefa.” Best day ever.
2. Start a Riot
Riot in the rain anyone? Too often, riots are started on sunny days. Why would you want to spend your sunny days rioting? If you have something to riot about, save it for a rainy day. Nothing like rioting in the rain to bring some metaphorical sunshine into your life.
3. Start a Religion
Aren’t many religions a result of rainy days? Imagine a bunch of Neanderthals waiting out a storm in their cave and suddenly one says, “So, that rain coming down…umm… yeah… that’s God…. and he talks to me…. and if you don’t give me a bite of your mammoth steak… um…. he’s going to kill you.”
4. Stare at the cat until you see it’s soul Keep looking. Sometimes it can take hours, but luckily today you have time to kill. It took Lee Peterson four months of staring at Snoodles before he saw his cat’s soul. And don’t even get me started on Mr. Snagglepus (AKA, the most famous cat in Bushwick), people have been trying, but so far no one has seen Snagglepus’s soul.
5. Shower in the Rain
Walk out into your front lawn in your birthday suit with a bar of soap. You know what to do: Lather, rinse and repeat. Cast perverted stares to all cars that go by. You’re not the pervert. They are. They are the ones looking at a naked person showering in the rain.
6. Prepare for Y2K
It’s still coming. Trust me.
7. Open a Twitter Account and Tweet About Justin Bieber
Do you want to be the only one who’s not doing it?
8. Put Someone You Know’s Child in the Giveaway Section of the Newspaper
The way to pull this off is to present your friend’s child as a desirable dog, such as a golden retriever. Depending on the day, your friend might actually go with it and let some stranger pick up the reason why the wall if covered in crayon.
9. Whatever you do, stay off of Craig’s list.
Craigslist is a blackhole which will suck your time and soul away from you.
10. Build and Arc
You already started a religion, it’s time to build an arch. There’s comes a time in the course of everyman’s religion when it is time to man up and round up a bunch of animals for your homemade boat. Besides, if you’ve done everything on this list and it’s still raining, it’s time to get proactive about this. Load up your makeshift arc with two of every type of liquor, because if, as you suspect, the world as you know it is coming to an end, you are not going to want to be sober for this.
