Last year I gave my brother, Isaac—who had just turned ten—a machete for Christmas. Isaac and I both agreed this was a most awesome present.

But little did we know, as we basked in the bliss of our machete brought glory, our own mother was hatching a plot redolent of The Grinch. While everyone was distracted by the shimmer tinsel and taste of candy canes, she hid the machete and conveniently forgot where she put it. Classic Patti.

Her plot to kill Christmas carried out, my mom maintains that “a ten-year-old boy should not own a machete.” I counter that ten is the best time, the coolest age to own a machete—A time when every kid on your block will know you as the machete kid.

Science is on my side:

I bolster my argument with the fact that in some places in the world ten-year-old boys not only own machetes, but have wives and goats.

Let’s be democratic about this and let the people decide. You can vote for up to three.

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This post is not just for mindless harping. I have a point and a plan. And I need your help.  We must make my mother feel guilty about hiding Isaac’s happiness-inducing gift in order gain her acquiescence in my getting my brothers Isaac and John an aligator for Christmas.

Three days ago, I learned that:

A) You can buy baby aligators online.

and

B) They are less than $100. 

I am not making this stuff up. Back Water Reptiles has been supplying people with not just baby alligators, but scorpians, teranchulas, lizards, toads, frogs (and the list goes ) for over two decades.

A: Here are the top five reasons you should purchase from us:

1.) We have thousands of highly satisfied customers.

2.) Our prices are the absolute lowest in the reptile industry.

3.) Our customer service response times are without question the best in the reptile industry.

4.) We offer a conditional live arrival guarantee on all animals.

5.) Our website is 100% certified and secure with SSL technology.

Customer service is important, I can’t argue there. But question four made me wonder, is their live animal guarantee the best in the reptile industry?

Isaac, John, this Bud’s for you. Though mom will search for a diplomatic compromise—like a lizard—someone should point out to her that we’ve owned so many lizards before that we find the notion of getting another one as exciting as a six hour game of monopoly. Ditto frogs, tarantulas, snakes, newts and turtles.  No one in our family, not even Jacob, has jumped the fence into the swamp and called themselves an Alligator Owner.

Alligator owner.  Try it outload. Whisper it to yourself.

The historical roster of my family’s pet list would read like a small zoo. That list makes a strong case of my mom being pretty hip. Most ten-year-olds would agree she is pretty off the meat rack for allowing some many jars of imprisoned animals under the same roof.  She taught us how to catch grasshoppers (or as I later learned to call it, playing baseball). She was always nearby when we incarcerated creatures in the peanut butter jars she had washed for that purpose.

She and my aunts and uncles and did not have it so cush. Their childhood was a place where rabbits had to be held captive silently in drawers—their existence kept carefully from grandmother’s knowledge. My Granda Maguire flipped out when she found a rabbit in my Uncle Brian’s dresser. It was as if his pants had come to life.

She wasn’t trying to be an stick in the mud, she just happened to be terrified to death of anything alive. She didn’t trust animals not to go all animal on her.

The recent elections has everyone in a democratic mood. For me this elation is being compounded because late November is when I “git all Christmas on everyone’s ass” I propose, Mom, we let the people decide. If you are worried about an alligator eating Diego or Buddy (who I am bringing an elf costume for this year), remember that you can always eat the alligator before it goes through its alligator adolescence. Knowing what alligator tastes like would be a good, formative experience for the kids.  (ask my mom about her snake batter recipe[#NDBallers].

Remember always, your vote counts. Do the right thing. Isaac and John are depending on you.

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