There’s a promised land we are all searching for. All of our inclinations and addiction, remoteness, disagreement and whatnot have been put aside as we align every impulse, action and affection towards it.

We picture the land flowing with remorseless hills fluent in all dialects of pasture and privy to the whispers of late summer breezes when a hint of new color returns to its blustery intonation.

Ned has promised us this land. For just three easy payments of $4,999.

A Googled Ned informs us he used sell coffee grinders before getting into the business of promising lands. Ned’s infomercial featured songs by Bob Dylan and he got us all rather inspired. I ponied up and took out a second mortgage on my house and ordered five promised lands before this limited time offer ran out.

Ned’s bespoken cotton suits speak louder than his sonorous voice which assures us we can trust him. From the recliner of my undesired living room, as I anticipate paperwork and further directions, crumbs visible in the carpet remind me that for the moment the promise of hope hath descended upon this here heart.