"This is the neighborhood where wild bandits cruise the street on stolen ponies, and even the cockroaches are running something illegal on the side."
Packing for Travel: What to bring to el Third World.
When you travel to the third world, you will be faced with–WHO’S TO KNOW WHAT!–No one–not even the friendly Oracle on Franklin Street, has any idea what you are going to be faced with on your crazy trip to who knows what part of the world’s backwoods. But I do know that you are going to want to be prepared by packing what you’ll need to survive that encounter with the alligator.
Indiana Jones would agree that when packing for travel, having the right things will not only save your life, it will impress all the South Korean tech kids staying at your hostel. So travel light, pack wise and make sure that your next trip to el Tercero Mundo has at least some of these items.
This is an advanced packing list, which means, you won’t find Swiss army knives on here kid. I’ve left off the obvious third-world items for your grandma.
1. Own your trip with the Paracord Survival Bracelet
Paracord Survival Bracelet
Don’t make me tell you about the time I unexpectedly found myself on the side of a mountain I didn’t mean to climb in Morocco. Fact is, you never know when a day that starts with smoking hash in your hotel room is going to end with a climbing expedition. The Paracord Survival Bracelet is not only a badass looking accessory (kids, always accessorize). It is for whatever “Certain situations may require a length of cord.” Can you even name all of the situations in the last year in your life that required a length of cord you did not have? Exactly. Pack this. I mean, order it and wear it all the time, because who knows mita sensei!
2. Packing Hack: Turn The Eagle Creak Bra Stash Into Scottevest Boxer Shorts Underwear Stash
Eagle Creek puts out a product known as The Bra Stash. What does she keep in there? Whatever she wants kid! Fellows, do you want do know what the ladies don’t want you to know? You can turn the bra stash into an underwear stash and keep all your secret things in there! Cause ScotteVest makes a pair of travel boxers that has a pocket whose dimensions fits the bra stash! IS THIS THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE YET?!
3. Ward Off Insects With The Help of a Friendly Badger
When badgers meet bugs, they do not fear them. Wieding their magic honey sticks, arthropods do not even see them coming. They stand no chance.
Haven’t I told you a million times not to taunt the bull? Don’t you know you can get chiggers behaving like that? Son, if that don’t teach you not to play in the poison ivy patch, nothing will.
Remember what grandpa said, “Bugs are no match for badgers.” You may be too young to understand what I mean, but on the way from hither to yon, you will face many bugs along the way. Many of them will try to sting you. Some will covet your blood. Others will lie with your body in bed. Their appetites only multiply, and as soon as a malaria-ridden mosquito flies away without leaving her number, her first stop is to start a brood. Badger Anti-bug Balm is all natural, so you won’t have Gore breathing down your neck over this one.
4. Pimp Out Your Pepper Spray With A Mace Brand Pepper Spray Gun
It’s the midnight hour. All your friends have turned into pumpkins. You’re wandering back to your hostel, wondering if it is safe to walk alone at night. OF COURSE IT AIN’T SAFE KID! Are you crazy, in this neighborhood? This is the neighborhood where wild bandits cruise the street on stolen ponies, and even the cockroaches are running something illicit on the side. Criminals have come to expect that gringos will be armed with oft-backfiring canisters. But are they prepared for your pepper spray gun that looks like it’s either going to send a flare their way, or it’s something you stole from Lieutenant Worf after he downed his second bottle of blood wine?
When macing up your mace gun, always used ace mace.
From our friends at Mace Security, “The Mace Pepper Gun is one of the most accurate defense sprays available. The OC pepper spray formula is contained in a replaceable cartridge. The cartridge utilizes advanced bag-in-a-can technology that allows you to spray a constant stream, reaching up to 20 feet, from any angle.The trigger-activated LED light disorients an attacker’s vision and helps to accurately aim the Mace Pepper Gun in low-light situations.”
Amy Gridley, it comes in pink.
5. Give The Locals Something To Look At With a Portable Smartphone Photo Printer
Make photo taking a two-way street by leaving more than Facebook albums and Instagram contributions. Leave physical photos with people who live wherever you’re going.
With a portable printer, you can take portraits of families in the park and give them a copy right on the spot. If you took some shots of the local sites, you can also give these away. Bring the benefits of the first world to the developing and leave them there by packing one of these mini photos with you.
Do it for the kids, kid.
