Hurricane Sandy is hours away from letting people in NYC know if she means business or is going to be like her sister Irene, The New York City No Show. The city today has an ominous feel, with dark clouds catching people’s windily worried gazes. Public transport stops at 9pm, when everyone will be stuck in their neighborhoods. As one CNN headline read, this is nothing to play with, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with it. For the adult snow day that will be Monday and Tuesday in New York City, here is a survival list curtailed for Lax Bros to ride out the storm on the horse of frat boy sensibilities. It’s applicable for anyone who wants to not just survive Hurricane Sandy 2012, but to own it. Compiled through the advice of known hurricane survivor expert ninja, who has a fake doctorate in huricane surival and has written many novels on the theme including, The Hurricane in my Head, Laura Schwecherl.
1. Bottle of Whiskey
2. Ten Boxes of ramen noodles (fear not, you can eat them plain if water is not available. Just ask my brother Aaron about that. He’s been advocating for years the consumption of dry ramen noodles. I’ve tried it. It’s not bad. Post-whiskey, it’s quite good.)
3. Machete in case things get lawless (and there’s a lot of potential for lawlessness), you can be at the cutting edge of lawlessness and start your own troupe of looters. There’s a lot of potential here for what you could do with your band of looters. It doesn’t have to be all bad, you could be a merry band of looter, wear plaid and whistle while you loot.
It was great to find that you can get machetes on Amazon.com. Seriously, love those guys over there. You think of everything. I don’t know why I leave my house. I could totally just freelance write from some hipster hovel and have everything delivered to my door.
4. Entertainment ( Puzzles if you’re into that, otherwise, just another bottle of whiskey)
5. Battery powered radio loaded with a mix CD of 80s rock music. Essential on this cd, “Rock Me Like A Hurricane.”
6. Fold out beer pong table (if you’re weathering the storm with friends) with thirty rack of Keystone, Bush or Hams beer. PBR if you live in Williamsburg.
7. Duct Tape. No explanation needed. You’re going to need this.
8. Second bottle of whisky.
9. 55 gallon drum to hold trash fires in case society never re-establishes itself and a period of a 1,000 years of lawlessness spreads throughout the land. Ask Chuck Norris and his wife about that.
10. Air mattress with oars, life jacket, and battery opperated pump and if you can swing it, and the cast of characters from the 1971 Disney classic Bedknobs and Broomsticks.
Probably the best thing you can do, is not to heed any advice found on this site. Seriously, disregard everything above and get safe and a bottle of whiskey.
