This is painful to write. Both figuratively and physically. According to my itinerary, I fly to Asia in a week. This untrodden part of the world has been a dream of mine for–well, like forever., and this year was the year I planned to fulfil it. But some recent health problems have thrown a wrench at the face of those plans.

Here’s What’s Happening 

For the past few months, I’ve been experiencing back pain near my left shoulder blade. Since coming to New York from Guatemala, the pain has grown to shooting pains down my left arm and hand and has moved to my neck and even led to numbness on the left side of my head. This chronic problem likely led to this acute condition when I dragged my hundred pounds of life up stairs and through the New York subway. Since then, I haven’t really been able to do the things I love the most–writing and playing guitar–and the former is how I earn an income.

Without overthinking why this happened, it’s pretty simple to figure out in hindsight–posture, posture, posture. I’ve spent more than half my life hunched over a guitar or a computer. While I’d heard the importance of good posture here and there over the years, just how important good posture is has only set in now, too late to undo the damage that’s already been done.

I’ve visited a chiropractor here in New York, and after two sessions he succeeded only in bringing the problems I was having with my left arm and shoulder to my right arm and shoulder. “That’s bad medicine,” my brother Dr. Calvin said, “Just going off X-rays and making adjustments, he might just damage you more.” Well one good thing from the chiropractor was a look at my neck bones, which line up in a way that a quick Google image search shows is not the way you want your neck bones to line up.

Why I’m Unsure About Going To Asia

Outside of missing out on seeing friends in New York this week, and basically being confined to my current digs, sometimes on the floor from pain, I’m not certain of what I should do. I’ve been proactive, Googling and looking up physical therapy techniques. I signed up for a week of yoga at The Daya Yoga Studio and after my first session today, I do feel a bit better. Living the dream, as wonderful as it is, does not come with health insurance. I’ve worked hard this year to squirrel away some dinero for my trip to Asia, but now that’s been chipped away at from the chiropractor bills and lost income from not being able to work much these past two weeks while living at NYC prices.

So I’m between going ahead with my trip to Asia, taking things slow from there, trying alternative medicines or cancelling my ticket to Asia and moving back home with my parents in North Dakota and applying for and hoping I get Medicaid. According to Healthcare.gov, my income qualifies me for it. This year was the year I hoped to finally earn enough to get my own health insurance, but I’m still not there yet.

For now I’m doing the physical therapy the internet provides, meditating daily to bring my flaring anxiety levels down, and will be doing a daily yoga practice while I weigh my options.

Trying Not To Let The Shit Interfere With My View Of The Roses

This is a big blow, but it has given me a view of just how good things have gotten. Three years ago my fear was that I wouldn’t be able to make it to where I am today. Now I’m here, eager to move up in the writing world, but my body is reminding me of how I’ve neglected good posture habits and now I’m paying the price for that neglect. The worst I’m afraid of is not that that I don’t go to Asia and I’m out the money for the ticket, I’m worried that this could become a chronic problem keeping me from doing what I love.

I’m keeping things in perspective though, remembering I have not lost my friends, family or my life. I can be proud that this year I’ve finally published a book of my travel stories, and that from the feedback it seems that people genuinely like it. I’ve been repeating since high school the mantra, “it takes the rain to appreciate the sunshine.”

So now there’s some rain showers falling on me right now. It’s humbling to be reminded that our bodies are mortal, “Born to grow and grown to die” – Townes Van Zandt. My year was planned out, but all it takes is a failing body for plans to change. Things could be so much worse. I’m in pain, but I’m alive, still surrounded by the wonderful people I call my family and friends, and if this is all I have to complain about, then things must be by and large be pretty good. Thanks to you dear reader for being along the ride with me not just to the mountains, but also to the valleys. I’m still not sure what I should do or what I will do yet, but I’ll give it a few more days to see if I improve and try to make the best decisions when the time comes.