People envy turtles because they do not have an existential crisis every time they visit a neighboring pond. Turtles do not need travel packing tips because a turtle’s packing checklist is simple: 1) Are all my limbs attached? 2) Is there anything nearby that wants to eat me?

Like turtles, location independent people carry their lives with them. But while turtles are characterized by a special cartilaginous shell developed from their ribs that acts as a shield, location independent people are characterized by scratching their beards, pondering an open suitcase and mumbled curse words.

Within that ponderous stare are questions a turtle never needs to ask: If I wear all of my clothes through airport security will I have room in my backpack for $30 in dollar store glow sticks?

Like the Watusi Glowstick Shimmy Shake Dance, packing is an art and it takes time to develop. Over the years, I have tended to bring way too much stuff. Slowly, I am learning. While it can be difficult to leave your 80s wig or Pinocchio marionette behind, at some point you need to draw the line—bring the wig and ditch the puppet.

Here are five travel packing tips that I have learned that will help streamline your next existential packing crisis and maximize the efficiency of your luggage. Let’s face it, we all have baggage, but some of us have baggage compact enough to dance the Watusi Glowstick Shimmy Shake Dance while carrying it.

Travel Packing Tips, #5: Baggage Comes Before Bagged

Don’t go down the rabbit hole of piling up what you want to take with you and then finding an appropriate suitcase to fit it. Packing this way, you could end up with a suitcase this size.

Let what you are willing to carry decide what you can take with you. Are you cool with carrying two suitcases, or are you going to hate your life every time you have to lug two 50 pound hexahedrons with handles onto a rusted bus baking in 110 degree Amazonian heat? Perhaps a rucksack is a better option.

While some people are brilliant enough to fit their lives into carry on bags, most are not real people. So when you see a put together traveler who is somehow putting themselves together from a bag that fits in the overhead bin, remember he/she is likely a robot created to make you love yourself less. Robots don’t have feelings. If they did, would they really have left all those glow sticks behind?

Travel Packing Tips, #4: Pack your wardrobe and then cut it in half.

If you are Australian, you’re in luck, because all you need to pack wardrobe-wise is a pair of budgie smugglers and some thongs (kangaroo for board shorts and sandals).

When it comes to wardrobe, none-nudist people tend to overpack. Sometimes, your geography can make wardrobe tricky. Last year, I flew from Central America’s rainy season, to New York’s fall, to Iceland’s fall, to two climates in Europe, to Minneapolis’s unreasonable winter. The result was I had way too many clothes with me. But try as I did, could not seem to part with a single article.

My rule of thumb is to pile up the clothes you think you’ll need, and then cut those articles in half. If your pile consists of 16 garments, try reducing it to 8. How many sweatshirts do you really need? Answer: One. How many t-shirts do you need? Not more than three. Will leaving your Ghostbusters uniform behind break your heart? Yes, but do it anyways. 

Remember that if are traveling from one civilization to another, you can buy more clothes at your destination(s) if you need to. If your budget is tight as a bear hug, no worries mate, most destinations (especially in the developing world) have markets for new and used clothes at prices you can tip your hat to.

Travel Packing Tips, #3: You seriously don’t need to haul all that crap

I’ve taken an unused sewing kit on a 12-country tour of Latin America. I’ve carried an unwieldy first aid kit for three months in Africa from which I used a single band-aid. I’ve carried backpacks inside of backpacks and have never found a suitable answer to, “Why am I carrying a shoe horn with me?”

I know, I know. When you are at REI prior to a trip you feel like James Bond visiting Q. After all,
doesn’t everyone pity the fool who passed on purchasing a LOAD-DING Hammock? It was even made by Germans! But a lot of super cool travel gadgets simply never get used.

Things like a sewing kit are useful when they are needed, but if you are going to be near civilization, you can buy a needle and thread if you need to. If it’s an emergency, just use your duct tape (NEVER purge your bag of duct tape [I’m serious]{you are going to need duct tape}]).

If you are roughing it in the wilderness, disregard some of this advice. If not, remember that most mundane items are inexpensive and readily available for purchase.

Travel Packing Tips, #2: Do not check your essentials

Travel on a long enough timeline and eventually an airline will lose your luggage. Sometimes a reunion between you and Barry the Backpack could take several days. Does this remind you of anything else that takes several days? Such as, the time it takes from you to go from a well-kept human being to a stinking cave creature? Do everyone a favor, personal hygiene items under 3.4 fluid ounces belong in your carry-on baggage.

Travel Packing Tips, #1: Always pack duct tape

Did you know that the US Air Force uses duct tape to fix fighter jets? When your sandals break who steps up and fixes them? If you followed my advice and left your first aid kit at home, how are you going to fix that machete wound that river bandits inflicted on you?

The answer is, and has always been, duct tape. Never leave home without a roll and you will travel the road uncommon. You can even make turtles out of it.