Before jumping into the alligator swamp in this blog post, we have one item to cover.
First order of business: Mr. Snagglepuss, a cat from the neighboring building who has gone up and left.
Despite vigorous flyering (what some people [certainly tree people] would call “excessive” flyering), Mr. Snagglepuss is still at large. Various theories abound in my building as to what caused Mr. Snagglepuss’s abrupt departure. Here’s your chance to vote on what you feel would lead to Mr. Snagglepuss’s running away.
Loading ...Now onto our entré: Alligators.
Last week I became aware that you could purchase alligators through the mail for less than $100. Aside from the fact that you now know you can send alligators to anyone giving you the stink eye, it also means that you can gift your little brothers an alligator. On Monday’s post I appealed to you, the blog reader at large, to vote in favor of my brothers being allowed to receive a pet alligator for Christmas.
I’ve explained to my mother that I am not planning on getting this kind of alligator:
But, rather, this kind:
The whole issue has polarized my family as either pro or anti-alligator. My college-age sister Mary, as she does with a great many things, feels very strongly against this:
As they sprint through their last stretch of childhood, John and Isaac are spending much of their time in tense negotiations with our mother. At times it seems they’d have a better chance reconciling Israel and Palestine:
One wonders what all these reasons could be, since generally people’s underlying concern is that the alligator will eat people and pets.
Perhaps she’s seen too many films where the plot is:
Remember, mom, I am only fighting for this:
Perhaps her fear is more existential. Maybe she is afraid that an alligator early on in a boy’s life will cause him to grow up to be like this guy.
Having already raised seven strapplings to adulthood without having them turn out like that guy, maybe she’s less willing to gamble?
As she said in one Facebook comment, ” I prefer animals with more personality traits than just a killer instinct.”
And it’s on Facebook where the real trouble starts, where she’s started The Alligator Opposition Movement, a camp that’s gaining momentum.
Yesterday 84% of voters said “Yes” to a pet alligator and 16% said maybe. Yesterday, my sister, who’s decided she’s a political science major now, cajoled me into adding the option to vote “No.” Since then things have been spiralling out of control.
With my mom posting things like this on her Facebook wall and today, it’s nearly a tie:
At the time of this post’s publication, this is where things stand:
44% Yes (16 Votes)
39% No(14 Votes)
17% (6 Votes)
This cold blooded battle just got hot. Also, considering that there did not used to be the option to vote “No”, back in my tyrannical dictatorial days (Monday the 19th), the argument could be made that “Maybe” means “No” (though I’ve been pontificating for years that “Maybe” means “Yes”).
However we interpret the data, one thing is clear, my mother has declared war on Christmas and she’s not backing down. Friends of Isaac and John, alligator lovers everywhere, this is our stand. This is our time. Years from now we will look back at this moment as a decisive time when alligators were fought for, or we will recall a time when alligators were merely talked about but never wrapped and put under the Christmas tree.
Remember what Winston Churchill said, “An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile—hoping it will eat him last.” I’m not sure how, but this certainly applies.
What side of history do you want to be on? Please vote yes for alligators right now!
In addition to gaining the popular vote, I’m also hoping bring in a powerful ally, Terry Lincoln, director of the Dakota Zoo in Bismarck, onboard. I’ve left him a voicemail, and am hoping that he will agree to adopt the gator if it gets big enough to be a problem. But given my family’s track record with reptiles and our ability to keep them breathing for more than a few months, it’s really the baby alligator that should be leading The Alligator Opposition Movement
